Friday 3 April 1987

…We had an assembly practice.
It turned out terrible.
People didn’t know their lines, [our teacher] told everybody to shout because
he couldn’t hear them, and I was absolutely useless.
The theme of the assembly is ‘Don’t Panic’ – but if anyone is panicking it is us.
Lunch was rice, mixed veg and chicken in lovely gravy, and shortbread with
a cherry on top for pudding.
Edward and Mrs Simpson’s jewels were sold today for staggering prices…

The assembly was the first in which I’d been involved since the humiliation of the previous June. I made sure I did not have such a prominent role this time round, but nevertheless I’d still taken it upon myself to insist upon some gimmicks.

One involved some comedy sound effects, which wasn’t too bad. Another involved a whoopee cushion, which would at least get the infants tittering.

But the third, and I’m holding my head in my hands as I type, was – well, there’s no way of putting this that doesn’t make me look insufferably smug and pompous.

It was a spoof of Panorama.

BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY THERE’S NO CHANCE THAT COULD FAIL IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE OF PRIMARY SCHOOL CHILDREN.

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